): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
