i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
