so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
