you would pick up someone in the library
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
