I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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