i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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