Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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