i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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