My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
