umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
