Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
