How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
