A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
