My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
