It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
