I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
