Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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