I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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