Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
