Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's blow job season.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
