YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
