I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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