I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
