I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
