I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
