Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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