Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
