were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
