I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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