What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
