Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
