Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
