She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
