i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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