I'm so fucking centered right now
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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