yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
