Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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