i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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