so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
