it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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