woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We are two peas in an std pod
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
