i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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