I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
