Betty ford says i'm here all night
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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