Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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