Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
