my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
