I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
