i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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