My cat gives me a boner
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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