I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Randomize
