so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
