So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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