My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
