Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
